Everyone knows one: The stealer of restaurant condiments.

I went out to dinner with a couple of friends last night. The food was delicious, the wine was great and the service was decent. We requested our leftovers to be put into takeout containers and the server returned a few moments later with the bill and three large paper bags. One of my friends discretely popped the pepper shaker from the table into her bag and we left the restaurant.
As we were walking back down the block to where the pepper thief parked her car, I couldn't help, but notice a piece of rectangular paper waving in the breeze from behind her windshield wiper. Getting closer, it was discovered that she had been the lucky recipient of a coveted City of Burnaby parking ticket! Now, this inspired me to pose a small debate for my blog! Was this Kharma or coincidence? Is it really theft when you take condiments from restaurants?
Everyone knows at least one person who does it. Maybe it’s your senile grandmother, who doesn’t think anything of filling her purse with little jams and peanut butters. Maybe it’s a co-worker, hoards handfulls of splenda at lunch.
Maybe you do it yourself.
This isn’t a new concept by any means. Historical documents dating back to the 1500s talk about routine executions being carried out on the streets of London when a person would try to hide a thimble of jam under their wig while departing the local tea house. Nowadays many people don’t even consider it a crime to stuff a few extra packets of jelly in one’s purse at the local Denny's. At the very least, plenty of folks agree that’s it a victimless crime. After all, you’re stealing tiny amounts of secondary ingredients from business owners and large multinational corporate minions, most of whom have swimming pools filled with unwanted condiment packets.
Of course, for every person who thinks absconding with restaurant condiments is on the up-and-up, there’s another who considers it outright theft. The latter group typically argues that condiments that are distributed for free by restaurants are meant to be used at the restaurant, similarly to how most all you can eat buffets don’t allow you to remove food from the restaurant.
On the other hand, the average condiment collector will use a variety of excuses to justify what they are doing:

• They’re practically worthless.
• I’m only taking a few.
• I’m not hurting anyone by doing it.
• If restaurants didn’t want people taking condiments, they shouldn’t leave them out!
• It’s just freaking ketchup!

Personally, I’m somewhere in between the two arguments, but I can already tell you what the anti-collector’s response would be to some of these excuses for legitimizing covert condiment confiscation.

• They’re practically worthless or I’m only taking a few. Restaurant condiments aren’t as cheap as you think. As a coffee shop manager, I know a box of sugar packets runs me about $50, I go through around 3-4 of those boxes in my store per week...do the math.
• I’m not hurting anyone by doing it. What if your boss told you that he or she was taking 1% of your pay and eating it? You’d be pretty upset! Each time one of these condiment packets is taken from a restaurant, that’s money out of the pockets of everyone. And since executives and managers set pay rates for lower employees, you can probably guess who’s going to be impacted the most. Also, it impacts customers with price increases for their favorite menu items.
• If restaurants didn’t want people taking condiments, they shouldn’t make them available. If that’s your argument, you should insist on paying for your condiments the next time you dine out. Or even better—bring your own! I can't even count how many times I've noticed the bottle of honey or a jug of milk gone missing from my condiment stand. The jugs we put the milk in cost $20 each! And you're complaining about the 5 cent increase on your latte...
• It’s just freaking ketchup! Sure, it starts with ketchup. Then it might escalate to bigger things like toilet paper rolls from the restaurant bathroom, or cars from the parking lot.

Another common argument you’ll hear from condiment collectors: it saves them money. Well, so does stealing groceries from the supermarket; but you’re not going to walk out of Wal-Mart with a 24-ounce bottle of mustard tucked under your coat, are you? Well, maybe you will, but If anything, you’d save a lot more money by not dining out in these restaurants in the first place.
Also, like I said before, restaurant owners raise prices of their menus to make up for the lost costs over time, so you're not really saving yourself any money, dummy!
But since both sides of the condiment coin have their points, I think the best way to settle this argument is with a compromise. Perhaps if condiment collectors agreed to reduce their activities to only certain items and in very limited quantities, the condiment crusaders wouldn’t mind it as much. As for what condiments are okay to collect and which ones aren’t, I would propose the following lists as guidance:

Condiments That Might Be Okay to “Collect”

• Condiments you can’t recreate at home or buy in the store (e.g. Taco Bell’s hot sauce).
• A reasonable number of necessary condiments when you’re doing take-out (e.g. not 42 packets of honey when you only bought a hamburger).
• Duck and soy sauce. I’m pretty sure both flow abundantly through the rivers of Asia.
• One bonus condiment of your choice each time the employees are jerks or idiots.

Condiments You Shouldn’t Be Stealing From Restaurants

• Standard condiments like ketchup and mustard. Just go buy your own at the store.
• Pricier but still standard condiments like BBQ sauce and salad dressings.
• Napkins. Seriously, WTF? Napkins are cheap and that’s just being a cheap ass skid.
• Salt and pepper shakers. Generally you don’t want to take condiments that are in reusable containers, who knows what's in those things or what kind of sick individual tampered with them.
• Table centerpieces. I'm pretty sure my grandmother has stolen a few of these...
• Silverware and other dishes. Not even plastic, unless you’re doing take-out. Although, I admit, in the past I have stolen misc glasses from various pubs and A&W. I have also taken place settings from Earls (They have really funky silverware, ok)!!!

If we all work together to keep restaurant condiment costs low, we can help ensure that future generations will have access to marvels such as Wendy’s 99 Cent Super Value Menu. But if rampant condiment theft continues unchecked, we’ll become reliant on foreign sources of ketchup which will cause prices to skyrocket, and soon you’ll be wishing you could dip your fries in crude oil instead.