1.) I am going to quit quit smoking!
You've just completed the countdown, made sure you got your kiss to avoid loneliness for the new year and busted out your rendition of Auld Lang Syne...because you're drunk and you surely know the lyrics. After downing your last glass of champagne and making your toast, you stumble out to the balcony in the cold January night and light up a cigarette...damn. Resolution already broken. The worst time to resolve to quit smoking is on a night of binge drinking, perhaps you should do it some other time.
2.) I am going to quit drinking!
You wake up on January 1st after a night of debauchery and you can swear, although you don't remember it, that your face must have been run over by a dump truck. You start a pot of coffee, pop 3 or 10 advils and proceed to expel the contents of your stomach into the trash can. You spot the remnants of a bottle of jack on the counter. There's enough for a shot. You slam it back to take the edge off the hangover...damn. Resolution #2 already broken. Most of us won't quit drinking and those who should or need to quit drinking are definitely not going to do it on New Years. If you have a drinking problem get in touch with AA, don't make a pointless resolution.
3.) I am going to stop cursing like a sailor!
You decide to turn in for the night after an epic New Years party and trip over your nightstand, while drunkenly attempting to crawl into bed. In the process you knock over the lamp, the lightbulb shatters and you step on it, cutting your big toe. "Owe! Motherfucker!!!!" You shout in your agony. New Years Resolution #3 broken. If you swear a lot, making a resolution won't help you stop. You have to want to stop. Why wait until New Years?
4.) I am going to get in shape/lose weight/eat healthy food...etc!
No you're not. You're lazy and New Years is your last excuse of the year. When the new year rolls in, you'll have a whole new bag excuses and the first on of 2013 will be, "It's New Year's Day and I'm way too hung over and tired to start a diet and exercise. Lets order pizza tonight." You will create a new excuse each day after that until it's your resolution for 2014 and the cycle begins again...and I don't mean bicycle. If you want to be successful at losing weight or getting in shape you need to get your mind ready for it and just do it. Drag a friend with you to help keep you motivated, it helps.
5.) insert any other resolution here.
Just face it. You're only making a resolution because you're lazy. If it was something you wanted to do, you would already be doing it. Sure, sure, some people stick to their resolutions....especially those who resolve to stay out of shape and keep drinking.
Happy New Year, everyone!
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